To read Part 3, click here.
HOW LONG? – WORRY & ANXIETY
“How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?”
After a while, the “how long” is filled with worry and anxious thoughts. It becomes something that consumes our thoughts, something we can’t get away from.
For those who have been blessed and never had to go through infertility, you might not be aware of some of the steps you have to take in order to really “try”. This might be a little too much information, but I wanted to share so you can get a picture of how easy it is for worry and anxiety to fill your every thought. One of the first things most couples do when “trying,” is to get an ovulation kit. And in order to use one, you have to pee on it first thing in the morning, for almost the whole month. SO, the VERY FIRST thing you have to think about when you wake up is that….and there it sits, in your thoughts constantly for the rest of the day.
That constant thinking about my infertility drove me crazy. I had to stop testing because the anxiety was turning me into a very mean person. I finally realized there was nothing I could do to change the situation, other than to stop testing so that I would stop thinking about it all the time. I had to give it up…it had been too long.
In Psalm 13, David was asking Gog: “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?” or “How long must I take counsel in my soul?” He thoughts were getting the best of him, and he was exhausted. He was tired of coming up with his own plans and solutions to his problems. I am too. Are you?
God had told David long ago that he was to be king, He had given David that promise. And yet anytime his kingship was threatened, David ran away, trying to solve his own problems instead of taking them to the Lord. In running away from threats, David sought refuge in caves (I Sam. 22:1), with the Moabites (I Sam. 22:3), in desert hills (I Sam. 23:14), even with the Philistines, his enemies (I Sam. 27:1). I don’t know about you, but a castle sounds much better than a cave…obviously David’s plans were getting him nowhere.
I believe God gives us personal promises too. And you have to be seeking after His heart in order to hear His promises for you. One of mine comes from Isaiah 51:1-3. It’s kind of a long story, so I’ll give you the quick version…through a couple of sermons and many prayers, He spoke to me through this verse telling me that we will have a family. I am confident in that, I stake my claim to that verse, and pray it back to Him when I begin to doubt.
But it is so easy to lose hope, like David did, when you don’t see God’s promises coming like you thought they would. It’s easy to start coming up with your own plan to make those promises happen. It’s easy to make the end result of those promises more important in your mind than God Himself. And that’s when you’re in trouble.
David’s experience of being swept away by his emotions is common, I think we’ve all been there a time or two. He had wallowed so long on disaster after disaster that he was feeding on the dark thoughts of hopelessness. He was waiting on God for these promises he believed in, and let doubt creep in.
Have you ever tried to solve a problem or get out of one and it actually made it worse? Yep, I have.
God is a much better problem solver than we are, give it back to Him.
“When I said, “My foot is slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:18-19