It took me a couple of months to realize I had lost my child, and begin mourning our Poppy.
We had been trying to start our family for about four years when we finally saw our first positive pregnancy test in May of 2012. We were so excited, we had it confirmed immediately, then told our family and some close friends over Memorial Day weekend.
It was a celebration and excitement that was very short-lived. After we got home from the weekend away, I started bleeding. At first the doctor said it was normal, but a few days later when it didn’t stop they did another ultrasound and some more tests.
HOW LIFE CHANGED IN 48 HOURS
The day we were supposed to load up buses with about 100 High School Students and head to the mountains for a week of fun, we heard back from the doctors.
My bag was completely packed (including Frankie, who thought she could pack herself and come along too) when I got the call saying that it was unsafe for me to travel. I was heartbroken and scared. Luckily, one of our Young Life Committee members is an OBGYN and offered, rather insisted, that I come into his office the next day after I told him what was going on. And so, after months of praying for the 10 students we were bringing and building relationships with in hopes of drawing them closer to Christ over the next week; we watched the busses pull out of the Home Depot parking lot without us.
So I went to see the doctor the next day, and he said I had an ectopic pregnancy that would need surgery to remove the baby the next morning. He said that if I didn’t have the surgery there could be complications and I could potentially die. What a roller coaster!
In a daze, my focus turned to my health, and trying to reassure my husband, he’s such a sweet worrier whenever I am sick. We had to prepare for the surgery the next morning, and didn’t really have time to process what was going on. Afterwards, I was so busy recovering that I forgot to grieve. And it didn’t hit me until a few months later….I had lost my first child.
LUCKILY, THERE’S NO TIME-LIMIT ON GRIEF
Recently, I read Rachel Lewis’ post “Why miscarriage matters if you’re pro-life”. Even though her post was about how people talk about aborted babies verses miscarried babies, reading it was healing for me. After reading it, I realized I was believing a lot of lies and suppressing a lot of grief.
While most people might not consider it a loss worth mentioning or mourning, I do.
I say all of that to begin sharing with you some of the agony I have felt in my heart, and the main reason for starting this blog. Although I know my story is nothing compared to the heartbreaking stories of multiple loses others have had, I believe it’s important to share.
WHY I DECIDED TO START A BLOG
For those who know me, agony, sadness, melancholy, even depressed would probably never be any words you would use to describe me. And yet, that is what I feel sometimes. But hardly anyone knows that side of me. One of my life goals is to live a life that is “valiant, vulnerable, and scandalous” like the many Godly women of the Bible (and unlike the stereotypical “Christian woman” we think of today). And I realized I was not being very vulnerable or valiant by remaining silent with this sometimes overwhelming sadness.
Please know that the purpose for this blog is not to just whine and cry about this heartache. I’m hoping to write about so much more. I also want to share the Hope I have found, and sometimes feel like I’m struggling to cling to, and the distractions that keep me going day after day. There is so much more to me than this heartache that I plan to write about, and I hope you stick around and enjoy hearing about those adventures too.
This is a place for me to be real, and vulnerable. To be valiant for those who have not found their own voice yet. A place to share what I’m feeling, and even process through it still. But I also want to say, that just because I am comfortable writing these feelings, doesn’t mean I’m necessarily ready or even able to talk about them in person yet. See, I am not a public crier – it’s not pretty, you don’t want to see that – trust me! And it’s difficult for me to talk about this without crying. So, please know that even if I brush off your comments or questions, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and they mean a lot to me…I just can’t talk about them right now. Maybe one day….and maybe this blog will help me get to that point where I can talk about them sooner.
“Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to “keep it together.” So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance…Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It’s an understandable fear – but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children. Grief, dear sisters, is good. Grief helps to heal our hearts. Why, Jesus himself was a “Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3)…Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That’s not the way life was supposed to go.” (Eldredge, J. & S. (2005). Captivating. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.)
Enjoy this free printable to remind you to be the strong woman God made you to be.